Letting Go

So today is all about letting go. I've come to the realization that I hold onto so much. I hold onto hurts that others have caused me and have hurt others in turn . . . letting go. I have held onto the mistakes from the past as if they still rule me . . . letting go. I have had unrealistic expectations from others and especially myself . . . letting go. I have beat myself up for not being the best mom or wife . . . letting go. I have judged others for not rising above their circumstances . . . letting go. And finally I have not acted as a Christian should because I have felt entitled to my anger . . . letting go.

There is so much that I am learning about myself right now. All of the transitions that have happened this year have been way more than overwhelming. Things that on their own I could have handled, but when put together was way bigger than me. Things that I should have turned to the Lord for but instead just grew in my anger and misunderstanding. This year has been so full of many trials that have tested me and until now, I have felt like a failure. This year Lilly was diagnosed with ITP, I started a VERY demanding job, I lost my precious Buster, and I was accepted to nursing school. I have had so many ups and downs that I couldn't even tell which way was up or down. I have not walked in freedom and have not trusted in the Lord to carry me through such a horrible time, yet I know he has been with me every second. I have been so hard on myself to handle all of these things well when my body wasn't designed to handle these things at all. Things have gone seriously wrong in who I am because I have seperated myself from the Lord. I am, however, very thankful that the Lord has carried my family. I have realized what an amazing man, father, and husband that I have. He has sought out the Lord and has looked to him in this very difficult time and the Lord has been faithful to us. He has been faithful to me, even though I have not be faithful.

I feel such a breakthrough today. I feel that I am finally coming to the end of myself and realizing that my thoughts, feelings, and standards are not from the Lord who loves me. I am so thankful for my friends who have walked through this tough time with me; who has shown me repeatedly the love of the Lord and has expected nothing from me in turn. I'm sorry to those of you whom your expectations haven't been met by me, but I do still love and cherish your friendships as well. So, with all of this said, it is still a process. A process of knowing what are the lies that I am believing and knowing what is from the Lord. Walking in the freedom of Christ or lying down to all of my insecurities.

As for the rest of my family, they are all doing well. Lilly is hanging in the middle range. She isn't critical but she isn't normal either. The clinic nurses told me that I have graduated to the accepting parent phase of having a sick child. Aside from the normal summer cold she is so happy. She runs and climbs, giggles and bats her sweet long eyelashes. She has learned to speak up for what she wants . . . and what she doesn't! She loves being in the pool or the lake and really hates it when you take her out. She also has her daddy wrapped tightly around her little finger. It's funny how that happens.

Caleb is also growing in leaps and bounds. He has uncanny conversations about things that most 3 year olds don't understand. He sleeps with the covers pulled over his head, and is mostly potty trained. He is the best big brother and is always loving on sweet little Lilly. Caleb tells me to go the speed limit when we are driving and is constantly trying to clean my house. He sings and strums the guitar and it melts my whole heart. I am truly amazed by the blessings that these two little kids are to me. I could never imagine having anything different.

Thank you Lord for your revelation today and for some peace to creep into my heart.