So Here Goes

So here goes. I have spent many hours online reading peoples blogs and being touched by every word. Between KTB, Susan, and April there is so much to be said that normally my ears would be unopened to. It makes me miss those relationships so much and that constant encouragement that was never far from me. Now, as I am here in Montgomery, I am being forced to lean on the One I should have been putting first anyways.

It was so easy to say I was leaning on God when everyone else around me was leaning on God too, but now that I am away from all of my support (my female encouragement system) I find that I may not have been leaning on God in the first place. Though I pray and seek the Lord and He has changed me in such amazing ways as how to be a loving and understanding wife, I find that there are certain depths of my soul that haven't even been touched by God. Don't get me wrong, I am fully aware that God hasn't touched those parts because I have some serious walls.

Montgomery has definitely been a new experience for me. It is much better than Mobile but not near as great as Auburn. Michael is the true highlight as he is in every other part of my life but the need for some solid community is still there. Those that do live here do not seem to be interested in the community that I was so blessed to have at Encounter(and may have even took for granted). Currently I am not in school but I work full time. It is the perfect job for me and I love it, but still not community. Michael is in school and the nights that he doesn't have class he studies, so this leaves plenty of time on my hands. Time to think, evlauate, and even time in silence where the deepest parts of me are being revealed to the only One who can change them. In this time though I have learned that I can be patient with someone, that I am not the only one who has been hurt or needs patience with, and that I have so much love to give that I have so selfishly kept to myself. Loving Michael has been the best experience for me. He brings out the absolutely best in me and even the worst, and the more of the worst that is revealed the more the Lord has the opportunity to change.

On the other side I have amazing in-laws. They are incredibly welcoming and my little niece Hannah has stirred all of the desires that one could want for children. I also have another one on the way so I will be well surrounded with those little gifts that also tend to bring out the best in me. I want to love and to share and to experience life with others and so far they are the best examples of that. There is so much more though that is missing here. Friends, other couples, someone for Micheal and I to invest in and share our lives with. Someone I can call on the phone and share with just how great the married life is. Micheal and I have been to several churches, trying to find just the right one, seeking that church that we could raise our family in and have deep relationships with people who just love the Lord and are human. After months of dissappointment, we may have had a breakthrough today. Pike Road Baptist was a very pleasant surprise to what we have experienced lately.

The worship was amazing (although I knew very few of the songs) and the pastor spoke on nothing but absolute truth. About how in the Bible, Peter was the first to trust in God. He got out of the boat and walked on the water with Jesus, even though a little shaky and then in the time of truth he denied God. Then he realized the depth of his actions and wept and repented and not too long after that stood up to lead, totally dependent on God. In the way the pastor had described it, he thought that he trusted God but he had never been tested of it, and in the moment of truth he panicked. But what a God that would welcome him back with open arms and open love after that. He had the opportunity for his relationship with God to be personal. After it was personal he never waivered again. It was such a truth for me to hear. Although God has accepted me back with open arms over and over agian, I am still so hesitant to believe in what He has to offer. I have no reason for this and acutal proof in my life that he has been sufficient over and over again, yet for him to share the deepest parts of myself I don't think I am quite there yet. What on earth will it take for me to get to a point of absolutely total dependence on him that never waivers. And when I say waiver, I don't mean the normal down days, I'm talking about the trust issue. It is so selfish of me to ever doubt Him after what he has done for me and who He is currently molding me to be. I guess one day He will reveal the work that He has began in me and I will see what an amazing God he really is and that I have no reason not to walk hand in hand with him for every single breath of my life.